My last post I was sort of in a relationship and trying to figure out what that looks like after divorce when you don't have all kinds of other ties holding you together....just the way you feel about each other. Well, I found that it wasn't enough to hold it together. Now granted the person I was seeing was not super available, had a lot of life obligations, which is fine. But I found myself needing more from him and then I found myself resenting the fact that I needed more from him.
Bottom line is that it wasn't a good fit, but it did leave me with something valuable that I didn't have before. Before I was looking for a relationship to be complete. Now I see how having one sort of split me instead of keeping me whole. I tend to get into this sacrificial position without even realizing it where my needs are pushed aside for someone else's feelings. Don't get me wrong... I think it's OK for that to happen sometimes in a temporary way... like the person is having a bad day so you put your need to talk about the budget aside until it's a better time. No what I'm talking about is the MAJOR stuff. The major decisions that another person makes that just make you feel like crap because it effects you and in order to stay in the relationship you have to put your feelings aside on the matter permanently.
Ya so like I said, what this round left me with is the sense that I won't ever stay in a relationship that I find myself doing that with. Just is not going to happen. And at this point I no longer believe I need a relationship to be complete. In fact it's the polar opposite...I AM complete... I AM whole... I respect myself and listen to myself and know myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. All relationships I've had so far have broken into that belief a bit and have torn in down to the point where I started to even wonder how I felt about things. At this point I have no desire to start down that path with another person. That's what this has left me... not needing a relationship to feel like I'm living my life to the fullest. I can say it's a pretty damn nice feeling. ...
Stay Tuned....
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