My last post I was sort of in a relationship and trying to figure out what that looks like after divorce when you don't have all kinds of other ties holding you together....just the way you feel about each other. Well, I found that it wasn't enough to hold it together. Now granted the person I was seeing was not super available, had a lot of life obligations, which is fine. But I found myself needing more from him and then I found myself resenting the fact that I needed more from him.
Bottom line is that it wasn't a good fit, but it did leave me with something valuable that I didn't have before. Before I was looking for a relationship to be complete. Now I see how having one sort of split me instead of keeping me whole. I tend to get into this sacrificial position without even realizing it where my needs are pushed aside for someone else's feelings. Don't get me wrong... I think it's OK for that to happen sometimes in a temporary way... like the person is having a bad day so you put your need to talk about the budget aside until it's a better time. No what I'm talking about is the MAJOR stuff. The major decisions that another person makes that just make you feel like crap because it effects you and in order to stay in the relationship you have to put your feelings aside on the matter permanently.
Ya so like I said, what this round left me with is the sense that I won't ever stay in a relationship that I find myself doing that with. Just is not going to happen. And at this point I no longer believe I need a relationship to be complete. In fact it's the polar opposite...I AM complete... I AM whole... I respect myself and listen to myself and know myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. All relationships I've had so far have broken into that belief a bit and have torn in down to the point where I started to even wonder how I felt about things. At this point I have no desire to start down that path with another person. That's what this has left me... not needing a relationship to feel like I'm living my life to the fullest. I can say it's a pretty damn nice feeling. ...
Stay Tuned....
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Love After Divorce
....."Love is a many splendored thing".....Hmmmm maybe...
Love after divorce... does it exist and if so what does it look like. I'm starting to find out but it's still a process. I think when many of us get divorced and feel like we are ready to move on to the next person, we tend to formulate some sort of list. Could be written, could be mental, could be something we start talking about to other people... I really want a guy that_____. I suppose it's natural. Typically there are some good reasons why we are divorced and we certainly don't want a repeat of the life experiences that led to a bad break up. After divorce we certainly know many things we don't want so it's natural to make sure those things don't get on the list.
What I'm finding is that it's much more complex when it finally does happen. No one is perfect and no one will fit everything on your "list" and if they did boredom would naturally set in... come on.. admit it... you know you would get bored without some kind of a challenge. My experience the second time around is learning to let go of the list and to really get to know someone and appreciate them for who they are. I think having "the list" is a way of keeping the old relationship alive in the new. After all, why was the list there to begin with? It's because the last relationship put it there.
A few pieces of advice.
1. Don't put your happiness in someone else's hand....they will drop it every single time.
2. Don't sacrifice yourself with the supposed understanding that after you do some how your partner will see that you sacrificed and hold your open heart in their hands and not ever hurt it.
3. Make decisions based on what makes YOU happy. In the end it's the only way not to have regrets.
Stay tuned!
What I'm finding is that it's much more complex when it finally does happen. No one is perfect and no one will fit everything on your "list" and if they did boredom would naturally set in... come on.. admit it... you know you would get bored without some kind of a challenge. My experience the second time around is learning to let go of the list and to really get to know someone and appreciate them for who they are. I think having "the list" is a way of keeping the old relationship alive in the new. After all, why was the list there to begin with? It's because the last relationship put it there.
A few pieces of advice.
1. Don't put your happiness in someone else's hand....they will drop it every single time.
2. Don't sacrifice yourself with the supposed understanding that after you do some how your partner will see that you sacrificed and hold your open heart in their hands and not ever hurt it.
3. Make decisions based on what makes YOU happy. In the end it's the only way not to have regrets.
Stay tuned!
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Meet the Meet Ups
So when I first got divorced seven years ago I tried online dating for awhile...well six months actually if you can call that awhile. The first man I dated was divorced with a son. He didn't kiss me even after five dates... and even though at first I thought it was sweet... my impatience and impending boredom forced me to move on. The next guy I dated for awhile but he ended up being a large child in so many ways... I'm still friends with him but we did not work as a couple. They next guy... and the one that ultimately made me walk away from online dating for good...I'm pretty sure was a child molester....after two dates he asked if he could take my daughter to the movies...umm nope and don't let the door hit you on the way out...or wait...maybe let it. After him I deleted my account and decided to trust the universe to bring me what I needed, when I needed it. That well placed trust worked out just fine for me then and continues to be my approach to this day.
Now don't get me wrong... I realize many people have met their significant other online. In this day and age it's becoming more popular and more successful...so it would seem. I have very very dear friends who met on Plenty of Fish and I don't think I've ever seen a more sweet, loving, healthy relationship in my entire life. I get it occasionally works. I've just decided...it's not the road for me. So why, you may ask, did I attempt the same approach to my social life? Good question!
On to the MeetUps....so I moved to a Small Midwestern Town about a 18 months ago. The reasons...good and not so good... are for another post but the point is I wanted to make a go of it and I figured finding friends was an essential part of fitting in and having the place grow on me. I used to meet people through my kids but those days were kinda over and I'm not a church goer so I was looking to find another avenue for meeting friends. I've learned over the years that the easiest way for me to make friends is by having a shared goal with a bunch of people, seeing them on a regular basis for said goal, and letting friendships develop (or not) naturally. I had a volunteer organization that worked great for that before I moved but I was also having a hard time finding volunteer work that suited me in my new town. An internet search brought me to Meetup.com.....
So this, I thought, was perfect! I could get together with a bunch of people that wanted to get together and we could get to know each other....BOOM instant (or semi-instant) friends. First, I decided to focus on women's groups. Not that I'm a prude or anything, but I was looking for friendships, not hook-ups and even though it wasn't a dating site, I didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea. There were groups for everything! Yoga, bicycling, hiking, and my favorite category.... Girls Night Out!
Long story short.....cuz I could go on forever and a day.... I tried Meetup for about the same amount of time I tried Match...6 months. People would RSVP for events and not show...people would be the HOST of events and not show....people that I had a slight connection with that I thought maybe I could be friends with, I never saw again after one initial night. I even broke my rule about women only and joined a few coed groups hoping the turnouts would be better but ended up getting inboxed from strange men asking "how you doin?" in what I could only imagine was in their best Joey Tribbiani accent. Needless to say I "unjoined" those groups before even attending an event. The last two Meetups sealed the deal and ended my 6 month stint. On the second to the last, 16 people RSVP'ed to dinner and drinks at a sushi place...it ended up being me and one other person (and that was about the 5th time that had happened to me) and the last one was the mommy group I talked about in detail in my very first blog post that motivated me to start this blog in the first place.
So a few final things to say about my experience....First of all...if you are the type of person that says you will be somewhere and are so freakin non-committal that you can't get your ass in gear to actually show up....STOP IT! It's rude, it lacks integrity and quite frankly, makes you look like an asshole. Do what you say you will do. It's called being a freakin grown up. Secondly, if you want to meet chicks online, don't "pretend" you don't want to and join a meetup group (LOSER) just to act like you are only there to be friends and then hit on a bunch of women all at once and see who bites. Like having 20 rods in the water and whoever is stupid enough to bite gets the boobie prize. Grow a set and find another dating tactic that actually shows respect for the people you are trying to date.
That's it... done with rant... and if you are on Meetup and it works for you... all the power to ya! I've moved on.....
Until next time!
Now don't get me wrong... I realize many people have met their significant other online. In this day and age it's becoming more popular and more successful...so it would seem. I have very very dear friends who met on Plenty of Fish and I don't think I've ever seen a more sweet, loving, healthy relationship in my entire life. I get it occasionally works. I've just decided...it's not the road for me. So why, you may ask, did I attempt the same approach to my social life? Good question!
On to the MeetUps....so I moved to a Small Midwestern Town about a 18 months ago. The reasons...good and not so good... are for another post but the point is I wanted to make a go of it and I figured finding friends was an essential part of fitting in and having the place grow on me. I used to meet people through my kids but those days were kinda over and I'm not a church goer so I was looking to find another avenue for meeting friends. I've learned over the years that the easiest way for me to make friends is by having a shared goal with a bunch of people, seeing them on a regular basis for said goal, and letting friendships develop (or not) naturally. I had a volunteer organization that worked great for that before I moved but I was also having a hard time finding volunteer work that suited me in my new town. An internet search brought me to Meetup.com.....
So this, I thought, was perfect! I could get together with a bunch of people that wanted to get together and we could get to know each other....BOOM instant (or semi-instant) friends. First, I decided to focus on women's groups. Not that I'm a prude or anything, but I was looking for friendships, not hook-ups and even though it wasn't a dating site, I didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea. There were groups for everything! Yoga, bicycling, hiking, and my favorite category.... Girls Night Out!
Long story short.....cuz I could go on forever and a day.... I tried Meetup for about the same amount of time I tried Match...6 months. People would RSVP for events and not show...people would be the HOST of events and not show....people that I had a slight connection with that I thought maybe I could be friends with, I never saw again after one initial night. I even broke my rule about women only and joined a few coed groups hoping the turnouts would be better but ended up getting inboxed from strange men asking "how you doin?" in what I could only imagine was in their best Joey Tribbiani accent. Needless to say I "unjoined" those groups before even attending an event. The last two Meetups sealed the deal and ended my 6 month stint. On the second to the last, 16 people RSVP'ed to dinner and drinks at a sushi place...it ended up being me and one other person (and that was about the 5th time that had happened to me) and the last one was the mommy group I talked about in detail in my very first blog post that motivated me to start this blog in the first place.
So a few final things to say about my experience....First of all...if you are the type of person that says you will be somewhere and are so freakin non-committal that you can't get your ass in gear to actually show up....STOP IT! It's rude, it lacks integrity and quite frankly, makes you look like an asshole. Do what you say you will do. It's called being a freakin grown up. Secondly, if you want to meet chicks online, don't "pretend" you don't want to and join a meetup group (LOSER) just to act like you are only there to be friends and then hit on a bunch of women all at once and see who bites. Like having 20 rods in the water and whoever is stupid enough to bite gets the boobie prize. Grow a set and find another dating tactic that actually shows respect for the people you are trying to date.
That's it... done with rant... and if you are on Meetup and it works for you... all the power to ya! I've moved on.....
Until next time!
Friday, January 22, 2016
Embracing the Empty Nest
So I went out to have a few beers with some other women last night. It was a Mommy group I found on Meetup.com...if you don't know about MeetUp... more about that later. We met at the new trendy microbrewery in my tiny Midwestern town. Since it was a Mommy group from the town and the only other option was a local pub where "the locals" went... and stayed... for long periods of time... the nice new microbrewery seemed much more appropriate.
So why a Mommy group you may ask since the name of this blog is "The Feather in the Empty Nest" which suggests my nest is of the proverbial empty sort. Well here's how I talked myself into it....
I'm a Mom...a Mother right? My kids are 25, 23 and 20 but hell ya I'm a MOM...probably more of MOM than they are since I've been doing it a heck of lot longer. I deserve to be there right? I sure as shit do! I'm sure they will all be brimming with questions on how I did things and I can reminisce over how it used to be and tell them how lucky they are to have the things they have now and how easy they have it...ya that's the plan....I haven't met a decent friend since moving here over a year ago but dammit I used to meet friends through my kids and granted it was not a Mommy group but same concept right? And so what that I did what they are doing 20+ years ago....this method of friend finding hasn't been used up yet... I won't let it be! So off I went.
Good news is that I'm not a beer drinker and I found some hard cider on the menu that was wicked tasty so it will make me go back another night. The rest... well it was so bad that by the end of the short night I was laughing out loud (and to myself) at the sheer ludicrousness of this attempt. I went... I endured...I came home... and I decided to start this blog. I found a good choice on a beer menu and decided to blog about it....night not a total failure?... check! All I can hear in my head now is "lookin' for love in all the wrong places" ......
So not only am I not a "Mommy" anymore... but even when I was these were not women I would have ever chosen to be friends with. Passive aggressive, spoiled and snooty is all I can say...can you be blatantly rude and passive aggressive all at the same time? If so these gals have it down to an exact science. But the thing that struck me the most about it is how far I have really moved past the Mom stage and into the ME stage. I mean, I'm a MOM of course... I've earned that badge along with many others... and I'm still the go to for all kinds of stuff for my kids. But I think about myself so much more now... my needs... my wants... my desires. I don't define myself based on my kids and what they are or are not doing anymore. I don't compete using my kids anymore (don't judge.. you know you do it) and I see my children as separate adult individuals making their own choices that have nothing to do with how it reflects on me or anything I did to screw them up or boost them up. Their mistakes are not my mistakes anymore--that shits on them!
And you know what? I have great kids...independent... strong... helpful... loving... so I guess they make it easy because I am so damn proud of them! But they've got this.... and I have my life back. I was grateful to give it when I did, would not ever change a thing... but it's mine now to do as I will.
The feathers in the empty nest are me...all the sacrifices I made to keep them safe and warm and healthy... I was happy to pluck pieces of myself and strew them all around...it was my job to provide that cushion and I was happy and proud to do it...well most of the time ;) But the kids don't need my nest or my feathers anymore. They took what they needed and rightly so... it's their turn to fly and make nests of their own if they do so choose. But what to do with all these feathers?
Stay tuned.......
So why a Mommy group you may ask since the name of this blog is "The Feather in the Empty Nest" which suggests my nest is of the proverbial empty sort. Well here's how I talked myself into it....
I'm a Mom...a Mother right? My kids are 25, 23 and 20 but hell ya I'm a MOM...probably more of MOM than they are since I've been doing it a heck of lot longer. I deserve to be there right? I sure as shit do! I'm sure they will all be brimming with questions on how I did things and I can reminisce over how it used to be and tell them how lucky they are to have the things they have now and how easy they have it...ya that's the plan....I haven't met a decent friend since moving here over a year ago but dammit I used to meet friends through my kids and granted it was not a Mommy group but same concept right? And so what that I did what they are doing 20+ years ago....this method of friend finding hasn't been used up yet... I won't let it be! So off I went.
Good news is that I'm not a beer drinker and I found some hard cider on the menu that was wicked tasty so it will make me go back another night. The rest... well it was so bad that by the end of the short night I was laughing out loud (and to myself) at the sheer ludicrousness of this attempt. I went... I endured...I came home... and I decided to start this blog. I found a good choice on a beer menu and decided to blog about it....night not a total failure?... check! All I can hear in my head now is "lookin' for love in all the wrong places" ......
So not only am I not a "Mommy" anymore... but even when I was these were not women I would have ever chosen to be friends with. Passive aggressive, spoiled and snooty is all I can say...can you be blatantly rude and passive aggressive all at the same time? If so these gals have it down to an exact science. But the thing that struck me the most about it is how far I have really moved past the Mom stage and into the ME stage. I mean, I'm a MOM of course... I've earned that badge along with many others... and I'm still the go to for all kinds of stuff for my kids. But I think about myself so much more now... my needs... my wants... my desires. I don't define myself based on my kids and what they are or are not doing anymore. I don't compete using my kids anymore (don't judge.. you know you do it) and I see my children as separate adult individuals making their own choices that have nothing to do with how it reflects on me or anything I did to screw them up or boost them up. Their mistakes are not my mistakes anymore--that shits on them!
And you know what? I have great kids...independent... strong... helpful... loving... so I guess they make it easy because I am so damn proud of them! But they've got this.... and I have my life back. I was grateful to give it when I did, would not ever change a thing... but it's mine now to do as I will.
The feathers in the empty nest are me...all the sacrifices I made to keep them safe and warm and healthy... I was happy to pluck pieces of myself and strew them all around...it was my job to provide that cushion and I was happy and proud to do it...well most of the time ;) But the kids don't need my nest or my feathers anymore. They took what they needed and rightly so... it's their turn to fly and make nests of their own if they do so choose. But what to do with all these feathers?
Stay tuned.......
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